Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
