I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
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