I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
why is half of my head shaved?
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