Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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