my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
