I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
