Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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