Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
