all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
