Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
