His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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