I wish I could teleport
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
