Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
