I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
