I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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