My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize