I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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