I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
