so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
