I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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