i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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