Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
