He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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