Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I have feelings that need drinking.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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