my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
