I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
