Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
