We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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