Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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