Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
