i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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