i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
