my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
