remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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