So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
