so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize