Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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