I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize