Pappa wants mamma naked
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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