Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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