That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
My balls are so social today.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
