I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
