so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
