If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
