if i can run in heels then i can drive
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
