i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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