Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize