So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize