yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
