I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
