we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
