im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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