I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
