I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize