I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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