I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Randomize
