My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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