dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
im holly from the hills drunk
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
