today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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