I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
